something that i wrote a while ago(in may) ;

i don't need to see a vivid rainbow or roses breaking into a deep red to know that this is a wonderful wolrd. if we peeled back the skin of disfatisaction from our eyes, we would never need people to paint beautiful pictures in our head through money guzzeling films. reality would be enough.
if, once in a while, rather than once in a blue moon, we just sat, and looked at the fasinatingly imperfect world that we have been given, we would fall in love with life again. notice the building blocks of our kingdom of existance, and you will cry with joy at the sight of a spiders web.
if you look, really look, at the intricate detailing of the spiders' creation, you will marvel at the complicated threads of skill. a spiders web is like the tears of a spider. all of the anger, pain, success, joy and love, every nook and cranny of that spiders life is sown lovingly, perfectly into that weaving.
so next time that you encounter a web like this, don't swat it away. look for a bit, let it speak to you. do this for a moment, and you will smile.

i think that it's round about time for a late night blog update!

in life; i got some of my exam results (RS was 70ish%, maths 53% (i'm awful at maths, but it was the hard paper!) and textiles technology 100%!! (WWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO))

i also have a ton of work (well, six hours) to do for next week, but i can't concentrate on them, at all. here's something taken out of my beloved notebook;

typical. when schoolwork is pitterpattering on my conscience, i feel inspired to write. i compose great symphonies of scenarios, but when maths is involved, my mind is flooded with dead air.
take now, for example. i should really be answering questions for my history project (i have my IMENSE history techer next year- yippeee!) but no, i am taken back to this blue book of ramblings. (it was my brothers, but i stole it off him, cos i've used up my notebooks!)
and then i notice flickerings of complex shadows or dappled puddles of light, and i dont have my camera. :(
and thats as far as i got, before getting distracted by my book, which is pretty amazing too. oh, and then i worte out the song 'weightless' by all time low, with each line a different colour. it took a while! (i was in a weird mood...)

one last thing;
"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." looooooooooooooove this!

i have more to post, but i'll do it in the morning, because mum is nagging, and i want to go out to take some photos!

and so i am walking alone.

the wind is trying to grasp my tender skin, but not quite getting there. the rain lassos after me, pleading for me to break down. i am stopped, again and again, asked if anything is wrong. i say no, because nothing is wrong, i am simply alone, and what is wrong with being alone?

i love to be alone, though my alone isn't really being alone, for i am always with my music and my words. those are the two things that will never, ever abandon me. the fuel of an ipod, thumping into my ears, may break down, but the buzz of joy to be alive, to live, will always be there.

but it's my words that matter most to me. my words can be dripped in honey, making me feel tingly and tantilised with pure honest delight, enough to make me giggle nausiously. these words are the blanket of snow, smoothing out the lumps and bumps of life.

but my words can also be stratchy and raw and can cut through peoples lungs, knocking them back with an audio thwack. they can slice through my strings of hope, sending them tumbling down to a doomed eternity of depression. but only if thats what i want. my words respect me and honour me and obey me, something that i would never wish for any human to ever do. i'd hate that.

me and my words, we share a a complex intertwined realtionship. but it's beautiful. sometimes, peole see that realationship. but most of the time they don't, but i guess i like it that way, as if we have a private life too.

oh, and here is another photo. it's not my favourite, but i think that it works well with the post.

the last couple of nights, i have such bad nights sleep, and a couple of weeks (months?) ago, i wrote this;

i am lying here, feeling bunged up, desperate for some fresh air. where clean oxygen should be, there is a stale warm haze that would be lovely on a cold night, but its been roasting, and therefore the warm is not welcome!
i can hear the buzz of traffic on the motorway. it's miles away but you can here the murmurs if the winds right, which it must be. damn. so now i am hugely awar of every miniscule noise that is made, like a fox sniffing a nd snuffeling for it's prey, which would be great, if i were a fox.
the mattress pings at me ant every availible oppurtunity. even if i do so much as to just move my hand, there it is, ping-ping-piiiingg. thanks, mr mattress, but i already know that i'm not asleep. i do not need reminding of it.
worse still, my weary head is resting on one of those soft squishy pillows with those irritating little polystyrene balls that go everywhere the day that the pillow splits. those little balls of annoyance really do have some nerve, they should be begging for my forgivness, due to the constant threat of the pillow splitting and me having to live with plastic parasites for an entire night, but no, they rustle and bustle about, like old ladies picking cheese in tescos on wednesday night, in time for WI.
i have no hope of getting to sleep.
i will, for sure, die of sleep deprivation.


i'm not a happy bunny when i can't sleep.

the sky is so very blue today.
a deep, mysterious blue, speaking to me in words of pure, gold-spun truths.
the sky was telling me about the constallations, stealing her show.
and about the crisp summers mornings that it greets, when people marvel at the sight of red, orange and yellow hues.
the sky is a stage to these amazing, bewildering sights.
the sun and moon and stars are the dancers, piroeting in thier fame.

i'm sorry that i haven't updated sooner, but my life, and therefore mind seems to be a useless pit of confused fuzz. i'm sorry.



i took this photo today. i think that the moth is beautiful, and the way that the background is really very smudged, so that you can't make out what is there, like how i feel. i can see what is happening now, in acute detail, i seem to be aware of every flinch, every glimpse of discontempt, every whisper, but the futre is a total blur and i have no idea where i am heading, but i am quite okay with that, i like to try and paint pictures in the merges.

i dont know how to start this. okay, i will try.

my name is a big secret. i like the german language. i can ski. i am up to grade 3 on the clarinet. i scare myself witless with my imagination. i like to read in bed. my camera is my constant companion. i argue in rs, perhaps to passionately. i am talkative. i like too strong mocha.i am in love with dainty tea shops. i hate football. i love rugby. i think too much.
i write too many things that dont really matter, and you have the pleasure of reading them, well, some of them, anyway.
here is my blog, what will soon be a stack of deep and meaningful ramblings.
i'll be here for a while, i warn you!

bitte nicht so schnell. (: